Jealousy

Why can’t I be successful like that? I’ve read the book, it was nothing special. I’m positive that mine is better, or at least as good. So why do they have so many sales and reviews, while I don’t?

This is not an uncommon sentiment to land in my DMs or on my feed from author friends and acquaintances. There is also that… controversy with that one trad pub deal that everyone is talking about. It is genuinely difficult to see your book not do as well as other books.

I imagine it’s like watching your kid diligently working in class, but he fails the grade and has to retake it, and you have no idea why. You’ve been working hard to give him the best chance he could have, but he’s still falling behind. Then you see that one of his friends was advanced to the next grade—maybe it’s that kid who spent all of class eating crayons and glue.

The thing is, we all look at our book-children differently than we look at other people’s book-children. We all know how hard we worked on our own books, and none of us see what others have done for theirs. None of us knows really why certain reviewers and youtubers pick up one book request and reject the others, why one book gets hyped and others don’t.

There are variables we can see: covers, personality, finances, time commitment. But there are more that we can’t see.

I am not above this sentiment, though it came as something of a surprise to me, as I never really expected to be successful. I went into this expecting to fail, fully aware of my book’s many flaws and that it wasn’t in line with what sells in the current market.

At first this jealousy hit me in small ways. I wish I had ad money like these authors do. I wish I was charming like these authors are. I wish I had a good stage presence so I could make popular reels.

This was easy for me to cope with. I don’t have those things, and it’s not anyone’s fault but my own. I have led a life that is largely of my own choosing, made choices on where to expend my energy, which things to practice and which things to let be. If I had not chosen to go to college, not chosen lasik, not had to pay out of pocket to excise my endo. If I had picked a lucrative job to commit myself to, chosen to learn more about linguistics/editing earlier instead of doing insect taxidermy—maybe I would be in a different position.

But all those things contributed positively to my life in one way or another. Yes, even college, in a roundabout way.

So when these minor jealousies crossed my mind, I digested them, looked at my life, looked at my book, and accepted them. Other people made different choices and are in a different position than I am, and I can be happy for them, because I love myself and I love the life I chose.

I am more successful than some, less successful than others. I can find joy in the amount of success I’ve had, even if others have more. I can be happy for them because they made their success happen.

Then the jealousy hit me in a different way this year. A sort of dual strike to the gut. I don’t really have any idea why it struck me so hard to see these particular authors succeed where I had failed, but it did. I had wanted them to be successful, hoped and prayed for it even. It was a shock to me when I felt jealousy instead of joy.

And I felt like an awful person. Truly. I wanted to be happy for these authors, but I felt no joy for them, and that is an ugly thing to find in yourself. It’s a part of me that I still find quite revolting.

I discussed this with a friend outside the writing community, and they made some good points, which comforted me, and so I felt I should share them.

Feelings and passing thoughts don’t define us or our relationships with others. Love is a choice, and it’s sometimes one we make despite how we feel in the moment. Treating others with love and celebrating with them is a choice.

Jealousy is something we might face, but we can still celebrate people’s success, even if we don’t feel joyful in that particular moment. We can’t choose our feelings, and the desire to be rid of jealousy is just as much a part of us as the jealousy itself. Which one we choose to act on is more important than merely feeling either.

And I’ve found that after that moment passes, if I feed the joy more than the jealousy, I can feel both at once, and after a little time, the joy can eclipse the jealousy altogether.

So if you’re feeling discouraged when you see other people succeeding where you’re not, it’s okay. Feelings happen. But try to feed the joy. Celebrate the success of others even if their success stings a little. Don’t let the jealousy be the thing you choose to focus on or act on. Everyone’s journey looks a little different, and the old adage about comparison being the thief of joy has merit.